Tuesday, May 30, 2006

... It's gonna get to your heart...

This was no accident, this is a thereaupatic chain of events.

So many things have happened in my life, and these in turn have molded me to become who I am now. The Charlotte Then that existed from pre-dean days has disappeared. I'm no longer that naive little girl anymore. I expect so so much out of a relationship, so if I'd hurt you in anyway, I'm sorry. I never meant to.

I never asked you to be the one to keep us together.
Maybe it would've been better if both of us had kept our own way, if you hadn't given in so much. That would've enabled us to learn how to give way to the other. To work things out in that relationship.

Yes, I'm indecisive.
I never know what I want. But from this, I've learnt. We all make mistakes, and we learn from it. For me, it just takes me one mistake to arrive at a decision. I'm sorry for hurting you, and yes, I still love you. I've realised that you're not the one who zombifies me, but rather, it is myself; in my attempts to stop falling further for you.

I'm sorry for thinking that I'm the bad guy.
And no, I'm not doing it for pity. Maybe it's because I really feel as though I'm getting all the blame?
But whatever. I digress.

I'm sorry for hiding myself from you, for not letting you know who I am inside. I've hardened myself against the world because I'm afraid that if I let the covers slip away again, I'll end up hurt again. Like how Dean hurt me. I'm sorry for comparing you to him, I realise now that you could never be him, and I also know now that... I don't want you to be him.

I love you because you're you.
And that's enough for me.
Never change.

Even if we can't be together anymore, I know that it's my mistake. Not yours. Not anyone else's but mine. And right now, I'm not going to justify my actions anymore...

Posted by Char at 7:00 AM

Monday, May 29, 2006

... there will always be something better...

I koped this off Loysius' blog.
hehe...
but it really makes sense...
hope this helps!!!

A Creed To Live By

Don’t undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others:
It is because we are different that each of us is special.

Don’t set your goals by what other people deem important:
Only you know what’s best for you.

Don’t take for granted the things closest to your heart:
Cling to them as you would to your life.
For without them life is meaningless.

Don’t let your life slip through your fingers
by living in the past or the future:
By living your life one day at a time,
You live all the days of your life.

Don’t give up when you still have something to give
Nothing is really over…
until the moment you stop trying.

Don’t be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect:
It is the fragile thread that binds us to each other.

Don’t be afraid to encounter risks:
It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

Don’t shut love out of your life by saying its impossible to find:
The quickest way to receive love is to give love;
The fastest way to lose love is to hold on too tightly:
And the best way to keep love is, to give it wings.

Don’t dismiss your dreams; to be without dreams is to be without hope:
To be without hope is to be without purpose.

Don’t run through life so fast that you forget where you’ve been,
but also where you’re going
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savoured
every step of the way...

Posted by Char at 7:55 AM

... and I live without you...

To the anonymous tagger/flamer known as shht bhim(?), please stop flaming Samuel Tan.
Although I thank you for standing up for me, and although I am truely greatful, I beseech you to stop, because A) he isn't worth it. B) it's actually my fault. And C) it's wrong.

Today was a pretty good day for me. Sorta. A little. Ok... Not really.
Haha.
But it was pretty funny though. Dean's sms's really cheered me up! =D

thanks oldie!!!
(:

Posted by Char at 7:46 AM

Sunday, May 28, 2006

... i'm singing in the rain...

Today was Sunday.

Had church.

Aloy and I, as usual, went for our ritual breakkie at KAPS. and as usual, met at 8. haha...

We went to church late. For once. haha...

Today's worship was kinda... bad??? LOLS...
I dunno.

I ditched class today. Cause of some personal problem. Obviously you don't need to know about it.
Anyways.

After church, loysius and I decided to take a walk. Oh happyhappy, hodeedee. it decides to rain!

and it was like really rain. Aloy and I were literally like singing, "Hallelujah, grace like rain pours down on me", and it literally was!!! LOLS.
but anyways, bottom line is, we got drenched. But it was fun.

Thanks loysius! (:

Up for walking in the rain anytime.
thanks for helping me through that trying time...

Posted by Char at 6:15 AM

Saturday, May 27, 2006

... I want to linger...

What does One Community mean?

When it was first started, it meant "family".
Yet now, it's all disbanded.

Have we slowly lost sight of what a community means as we go through our everyday lives, have we lost sight of what a community means as we grow more and more accustomed and comfortable with our friendships?

I admit, I'm more than reluctant to get up and make new friends, being so comfortable with the old friendships. Yes, it's nice to have people who understand you, it's nice to not have to let others know you, it's nice to be known, but have we become so encumbered by our histories, that we no longer want to write new chapters, preferring to re-read the old ones over and over again?

The One Community means family.
One family, under One God.

We learnt together, we praised together, and we encouraged each other. Yet slowly, we've all changed, and suddenly, the One Community is disbanding. It's losing the flavour that was what made OC uniquely ours. It's becoming just another stereotyped youth group, and it's becoming stale, and drab.
Have we lost that spark that OC was all about?

Food for thought...

Posted by Char at 5:33 AM

... these camping days and friendships true...

Came back from camp yesterday.
I'm missing that place already.

The friendships we made, the adventures we shared, the laughter, the tears, the encouragement...
All that I've learnt.

This experience has made me realise just what it is exactly that I want out of life, how to be independant, how to be me.

Yes, there was Hafidism, and there was Hasism, and that's what made everything easier.

I love it there.
It's easier to breathe, easier to laugh, easier to do everything. The stars shone bright, we were able to see every single constellation, and I'm just happy.

I want to linger,
a little longer.
a little longer here with you...
it's such a perfect night,
it doesn't seem quite right,
that it's my last night here with you...
come september,
i will remember,
these camping days and friendships true...
and as the years go by,
i'll think of you and sigh,
but this is goodnight and not goodbye...

Chan Mali-chan [remix]
this is group 10,
and this is 11.
and we are here tonight,
to present this performance.
there was hafidism,
and there was hasism.
and even though they're nonsense,
we still love them.

why???
because, we are family.

and you go...
chan mali chan, hoi hoi!
chan mali chan, hoi hoi!
chan mali chan,
na na na na na na na...

Beautiful [remix]
You're beautiful,
you're beautiful,
my foot.
i saw your face, and i ran away,
cause i don't know what to do.
cause you make me wanna puke!

Sunshine:
you are my sunshine,
my only sunshine,
you make me happy,
when skies are grey,
you'll never know dear,
how much i love you,
please don't take my sunshine away,

REMIX!

you are my sun-sun-sun-sunshine,
my only sun-sun-sun-sunshine.
you make me hap-hap-hap-happy,
when skies are grey.
you'll never know dear,
how much i love you,
please don't take my sunshine away.

All these memories.
I never want to forget or let go of them.
That was the best time of my life.
And I'll hold it dear to me always.

Kem Kaizen, I love you!
(:

Posted by Char at 5:15 AM

Sunday, May 21, 2006

... Tell the world that Jesus lives...

Today was a really amazing day.

Woke up at 7+, met Aloy for breakfast, went to church for worship practise, sang during OC and disbanded for class.
Class was interesting. Debated about faith, it really helped me reaffirm my faith again. I guess writer's like Dan Brown only help us to think more deeply and in doing so, helps us understand and trust that there is a God.

Because I believe in the duality of things, yin-yang. Good-evil. If there's so much temptation and evil in the world, than surely there is a God. In the end, it all boils down to faith.

After church, went to KAPs with Aloy and Lala for lunch. Woott!!!! Jeremy stood Aloy up!!! LOLS... it was uber uber funn!
Sms'd aloy's "deardear" for him twice. Wahahahahahahaha... He nearly killed me!!! xD
Got to see what "mixue" looks like!!! Wahahahahahahahahahahahaha... She's ok lahh... Not say very pretty, but not say very ugly either. Haha... But maybe it's just me. LOLS. I mean, I'm a girl. How can I tell??? LOLS...

Erm... Yeah. That's about it.

Life is a strange series of crossroads. When you wake up in the morning, and your heart is heavy, just turn to God, pray and ask him for forgiveness and guidance. He will forgive all your sins and give you all that you need. Trust in him. And he will make your path straight.

Posted by Char at 4:45 AM

Saturday, May 20, 2006

... Why can't I turn off the radio...

I don't care.
And I don't want to care anymore.

I'm tired of all this.
I'm tired of always having to forgive someone who has hurt me.

For once, I'm saying goodbye and I'm going to mean it.
I'm not holding on to regret. I'm not going to cry over you anymore.
8 months.
8 months and it's enough.

I'm incapable of loving you anymore.
You hurt me too much.
You've hurt me too much.

Just leave.
And we'll pretend that we've never met.
That our lives are simply perfect.

You're misunderstood.
I'm the bad guy. OK?
Just leave.

I don't want you in my life anymore.

Posted by Char at 5:38 AM

... My only weakness is that I care too much...

I'm so tired.
And sick.

Bleargh...
Slept from morning till night today.
Didn't want to wake up.

I'm too empty and pained inside.
But most of all, just wanna wallow in my own self-pity for a while.

I feel so dang tired and fed up of everything.

I hate myself. :(

Posted by Char at 5:31 AM

Thursday, May 18, 2006

... As we hold on, we remember...

Too many dreams, aspirations, hopes, opportunities, friendships and time wasted. Too many mundane, ordinary doubts, tears and quarrels weighing us down...

Recently, I've been unable to get out of bed facing life with a never-fading smile. But by pretending that everything in life is fine, there is a sort of line I can cross whereby I can pretend that Life ain't half bad.

Too many things weigh me down and I'm tired both physically and mentally. Too many thoughts plague me and I'm left with doubts. Left to face the symphony of crashing illusions alone. Sometimes, I really wonder... I'm just like a driftwood in the ocean of time. Bobbing around, the waves as my trials and tribulations. Sometimes I get washed ashore, and I think... "Maybe, this is my lifeline", but then, what seems like seconds later, I am once again drifting into oblivion.

Too many mundane, everyday things weigh me down.
I really really just want to curl up and sleep. And maybe never wake up...

Posted by Char at 6:41 AM

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

... Make a wish, hold my hand...

Can you love me like I can love you???

Somehow I doubt it.

Posted by Char at 3:12 AM

Sunday, May 14, 2006

... So long ago, I didn't have a care about me...

Bleargh.

Here I am again...
Finally dragging myself to actually blog for once. Haha.

I've been tormented lately, about my own ineptitude and inability to control my own life. I've also been assailed by too many things. Burdens, piling up upon my shoulders. So much so, that it's been starting to feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world upon my shoulders.

It kinda sucks.

A new life...
In a foreign country. Shanghai...
In the past few weeks, I've begun to hate that name and have even bugun to spit that name out in malice. I know that, given time, and if I think logically, I really will love that place, but I can't. Not when I have to leave behind all that means so much to me.

I'm leaving behind my childhood home and friends, and along with that, memories of a lifetime. As melodramatic as that may sound.

But whatever, I digress.
As I was saying before my thoughts led me astray, I've been engulfed in a torrent of conflicting emotions... Well, more or less been completely devoid of it.
Sometimes, it's almost scary how I wake up and think, "Oh. It's just another day. Why am I still alive?" as opposed to the "Wheee... It's a brand new day! Good morning Jesus! Wahahahahaha..." that I usually get up with.

It's been getting constantly harder to breath and to smile. Constantly harder to find things to laugh at and taking up practically all of my willpower not to snap at the people around me, which I find myself dangerously close to doing nowadays...

I don't even know why I even try, probably cause I myself, need that assurance. And not because of any other reason, but probably cause I need to know that I still can smile and laugh, and in doing so, provide the balm that my soul needs.

After all, laughter is a luxury few can afford. I just happen to be one of those lucky few.
If I were to lose my laughter, I don't know where I would be. God blessed me with an ever-bubbling personality and the uncanny ability to look and argue both sides of an argument. It just depends on whether or not I choose to look at Life as a cup half-empty or half-full.

Life is often how we choose to view it. Our perspectives on things, and our perspectives on new experiences and adversities.
Going to Shanghai is a new step for me, and I'm going to record it step-by-step... I guess... In a way it's a chance for me to grow up. And just for once, I'm not going to run away from it, but rather, I think I'm going to embrace this chance and actually take the first step to growing up. Perhaps, it really will be for the best to give up the last remaining remnants of a childlike demeanour and obstinance.

Besides, isn't it retaining a child-like wonder and a child-like heart that really matters? I know that no matter how much time has elapsed, I can always count on a cheerful countenance and a childish obsession with counting stars to save me from the mundane lifestyle that I will, no doubt, be assailed with as I encounter the hazards of growing up.

Deficient though I may be, it will not be because of my lack of want to grow up. But rather, I would think myself deficient if I were to lose the 'real' Charlotte Then during the trials of growing-up.

I shall think of Shanghai as a new adventure.
Charlotte Then will take the world by storm! (:

Posted by Char at 7:20 PM

Saturday, May 13, 2006

... Lord take my life and make it wholly thine...

Faith is the belief that God is real and that God is good. It is a choice to believe that the One who made it all hasn't left it all and that He still sends light into the shadows and responds to gestures of faith...
Faith is the belief that God will do what is right.

God says that the more hopeless your circumstances, the more likely, your salvation. The greater your cares, the more genuine your prayers. The darker the room, the greater the need for light.
God's help is near and always available, but it is only given to those who seek it.

He still moves stones...

"Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it."
Hebrews 11:1

Posted by Char at 10:51 PM

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

... Saying that you love me, is not the words I need to hear from you...

Read title.

Guess that's how I feel???

Haha... Will elaborate on my day further. Another time.
Perhaps.
Maybe not.

Bleargh.

Posted by Char at 11:59 PM

Sunday, May 07, 2006

... Thank you for the price you've paid...

Life is sweet.

Wouldn't you agree?

Well... No.
Not many of my peers would agree with that cliche.

Most of us are ticking time-bombs, filled to the brim and bursting with angst, depression, alone-ness, self-depreciation.
We tend to focus on the nastier aspects on life, we continue being the narrow-minded people that all of us know we are deep inside, zoned in on our own pain and suffering and depression. Telling others that they're self-centred when we ourselves, are hardly any better.

We somehow seem to forget the love, concern and money that our parents have invested in us, we tend to forget the fun we share with our siblings when we're not fighting, we tend to get irritated with our grandparents or those belonging in the older generation.

Why?

Because we're self-centred and spoilt.
That's why.

We believe that the world owes us all something.
Well, the world owes us nothing. Never did, and never will.

It's time we grasped that fact and learnt to live life with that.
Life is sweet.
But only if we allow the sweetness to seep through to our souls. We'll never ever get the full picture until we start wallowing in our own laughter as opposed to our bitterness and pent-up anger.

We are teenagers. These are supposedly the best times of our lives.
Let's learn to live a little by actually loving life.

We've got the rest of eternity to moan about how depressing our lives are and everything, but we've got so little time to enjoy this sense of freedom and perfection. Teenagers live once and only once, instead of throwing these things away so carelessly, why don't we start building stones for our future?

Instead of wanting only freedom and arguing with our parents about that, we should start talking to them and proving to them that we deserve that freedom.
Instead of whining about how they don't understand us, whine instead about how we don't understand them.
Instead of questioning why our parents can't be more like our idea of perfect parents, question instead why we can't be more like their ideas of perfect kids.
Instead of asking them why they can't trust us, ask ourselves instead why they can't trust us.

At the end of the day, we have most of the answers.
The key to a beautiful, enriching, happy, sweet life is in our pockets.
And the thing that's stopping us from unlocking the door to eternal happiness is our own stopping hand.

To admit facts, we're just too set and old in our beliefs. We make our own suffering and our trials.
We choose to blame others, but never blame the true culprits.
Let us hope then, that we raise our courage and take the first step and plunge into happiness.

Life is sweet.
Let's live life with that sweetness.

Posted by Char at 7:07 PM

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

... smiles fade in the summer...

Today, I break the customary rule of my blog title, and I use a random line instead of a song line.
Today, I shall also, instead of blogging about what happened today, blog about something that is stirred up in me when I read the line, "smiles fade in the summer".

Smiles fade in the summer...
I am brought back to my childhood days of faraway, where I remember mistily; a long stretch of beach, a million stars and what seems like a lifetime of laughter...

I remember childish laughters being carried across the wind, toys discarded in the sand and children playing catch under a canopy of stars and moon. Slowly, however, that image is replaced by sobs, broken toys buried in sand, and the children playing catch, are gone.
They grew up...

I used to be one of those children. I remember so much... The foolish smiles, the uncontrollable laughter, the pure, untainted happiness. Childlike innocence and childlike wonder.
Yet suddenly, that perfect world, came crashing down.
And all that happiness and picture-perfect lives, became broken smiles, uncontrollable sobs, and a desperate attempt to run away from the truth. And childlike wonder, and childlike innocence, was buried six-feet under.

... And the smiles we use to carry, the laughter that used to come so freely in the warm summer air, the scent of honeysuckles and barbequed meat mingling together, slowly faded away to be replaced by emptiness.
And we let our smiles fade in the summer...