Sunday, May 14, 2006

... So long ago, I didn't have a care about me...

Bleargh.

Here I am again...
Finally dragging myself to actually blog for once. Haha.

I've been tormented lately, about my own ineptitude and inability to control my own life. I've also been assailed by too many things. Burdens, piling up upon my shoulders. So much so, that it's been starting to feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world upon my shoulders.

It kinda sucks.

A new life...
In a foreign country. Shanghai...
In the past few weeks, I've begun to hate that name and have even bugun to spit that name out in malice. I know that, given time, and if I think logically, I really will love that place, but I can't. Not when I have to leave behind all that means so much to me.

I'm leaving behind my childhood home and friends, and along with that, memories of a lifetime. As melodramatic as that may sound.

But whatever, I digress.
As I was saying before my thoughts led me astray, I've been engulfed in a torrent of conflicting emotions... Well, more or less been completely devoid of it.
Sometimes, it's almost scary how I wake up and think, "Oh. It's just another day. Why am I still alive?" as opposed to the "Wheee... It's a brand new day! Good morning Jesus! Wahahahahaha..." that I usually get up with.

It's been getting constantly harder to breath and to smile. Constantly harder to find things to laugh at and taking up practically all of my willpower not to snap at the people around me, which I find myself dangerously close to doing nowadays...

I don't even know why I even try, probably cause I myself, need that assurance. And not because of any other reason, but probably cause I need to know that I still can smile and laugh, and in doing so, provide the balm that my soul needs.

After all, laughter is a luxury few can afford. I just happen to be one of those lucky few.
If I were to lose my laughter, I don't know where I would be. God blessed me with an ever-bubbling personality and the uncanny ability to look and argue both sides of an argument. It just depends on whether or not I choose to look at Life as a cup half-empty or half-full.

Life is often how we choose to view it. Our perspectives on things, and our perspectives on new experiences and adversities.
Going to Shanghai is a new step for me, and I'm going to record it step-by-step... I guess... In a way it's a chance for me to grow up. And just for once, I'm not going to run away from it, but rather, I think I'm going to embrace this chance and actually take the first step to growing up. Perhaps, it really will be for the best to give up the last remaining remnants of a childlike demeanour and obstinance.

Besides, isn't it retaining a child-like wonder and a child-like heart that really matters? I know that no matter how much time has elapsed, I can always count on a cheerful countenance and a childish obsession with counting stars to save me from the mundane lifestyle that I will, no doubt, be assailed with as I encounter the hazards of growing up.

Deficient though I may be, it will not be because of my lack of want to grow up. But rather, I would think myself deficient if I were to lose the 'real' Charlotte Then during the trials of growing-up.

I shall think of Shanghai as a new adventure.
Charlotte Then will take the world by storm! (:

Posted by Char at 7:20 PM