Tuesday, June 13, 2006

... Who are we now?...

Who are we now? How have we changed?

Are we still the same?

If I had half the answers to the questions that plague my mind, I would be so so so happy.
But alas, I don't.
What a fickle breed we, homosapiens, are. We changed and evolve constantly, we make friends and we lose friends, we make decisions and regret them ultimately. Life changes us, for some, it embitters them. For others, it makes them stronger.

I wish I could say that I was the latter of the two, but like many around me, I can only say that I am the former. Yet, despite it all, I find myself persevering till the end, always looking forward to a new day and just hoping that it may be better.
But better than what exactly? Better than a meaningless life? Better than a non-existant existance? I once believed that fools were the happiest people alive, but now, I start to doubt. Afterall, are we not all fools? Do we know everything that should be happening or do we make mistakes, too?

Happiness is such a fickle friend. One moment, it's laughing and smiling with you, the next, it's turned its back on you. I guess maybe that's why we always tend to focus more on the single black dot in the sea of white; because at least sadness is always constant. As depressing as that may sound. But again, I digress.
Maybe the single, biggest human flaw is that we tend to focus too much on the 'dark', 'dank' side of life, and not enough on the happier, brighter aspect of it.

In Shanghai, it's so so so much bigger than in Singapore, thus allowing us to feel and be whoever it is that we truly are inside. There are no social rules tying us down, there are no stuffy musts or must-nots.
Here, I can be myself and just pause and sniff the flowers by the roadside (which of course I won't, cause the air here is really really really polluted, but I digress).

"Do fairytales exist?"

How many cynics will reply with a "No! Of course not!"
Yet here, with it's beautiful landscapes and towering buildings, it's almost impossible not to imagine what it must've been like as Cinderella, or Aurora, or Ariel... It's almost hard not to imagine what it must feel like to be swept off your feet, because this city is almost magical.
In a place where no one ever sleeps, one can just be whoever it is that we want to be inside, yet still, in this almost overpopulated place, surprisingly, it's also the loneliest.

I must confess, I like Shanghai. Almost too much.
I like being able to be myself; Shanghai has never failed to ignite the spark of life in me that I know will invariably be extinguished the moment the plane touches back down in Singapore, but for those stolen moments of "me-ness", I'm satisfied, and yet at the same time, inevitably depressed.

But that just brings us back to our greatest flaw; we just tend to focus so so so much on the aftermath of things, worrying about this and that. We never just live for the moment.
Maybe it's time we start "living". Doing things on impulse without thinking of the consequences, like just jumping into a bus and going down to Orchard to watch a movie, or just get into a cab and buy tickets to go to another country or something. Live a little, laugh a lot...

But we just never ever learn, do we?

Posted by Char at 7:49 PM

Sunday, June 11, 2006

... If God is a DJ, then Life is a dancefloor, Love is the rythm...

When did we change?

When did we start drifting apart? Life has a funny way of pulling people apart. When did our lives start becoming just a dancefloor?
Since when was Love the rhythm?

You know, the funniest thing is that... I'm still all alone. I can be surrounded by a crowd of friends, and yet still feel completely completely drained and emotionless. I'm happy, yes, but it's missing the true essence of happiness.

I've deduced that in this world, it's filled with two kinds of people.
People like Loysius and Dean, and people like sam and Rk...

The people who always appear happy, to never ever seem to have a problem outwardly, who just laugh things off all the time, and the people who have problems, and actually whine and show them aloud.

I don't know which one I belong in.
But I'm afraid. I'm seriously afraid, that one day, I'll just press the razor blade to my wrist and bleed to death. I mean, I'm half-dead already.
I've changed beyond comprehension.
This isn't the person I am. This isn't the person I could be. Ain't who I want to be either, yet it's getting so easy to hide behind that facade again.

I want to be me again, but it's getting so hard to smile. And even when I do, it's just a shell of who I truly am.
And the weirdest part of it all??

Even if I wanted to talk to my best friend, we've just drifted so far apart, that... The only time I even see him, is on Sundays. And that's only if we're having breakki together.

I miss my lunch compatriat.
And I miss being able to just crap about with the 2nd lamest in the OC.
I miss just being able to laugh and make sarcastic remarks and just know that the laughter isn't phony.
I miss being able to have good lunches and all.
I miss my gor. Who was like the best gor there ever existed.
I miss my mei, whom I haven't even spoken to face to face in quite a while.
I miss my shushi-buddaye, whom I haven't spoken to since Gawd-knows-when.
and amongst all that, I just miss being able to laugh and smile and be myself again.

I know that this is pathetic, I know that I'm pathetic, yet...
I'm just so tired of feeling nothing.
Numbed to the core...

Posted by Char at 6:30 PM

Saturday, June 03, 2006

...I'm here without you baby, but you're still on my lonely mind...

Who needs ONE hill, when you can have TWO?!

Haha...
Vote for Paul Twohill! Cause he rawks my socks! Wahahahahahaha...

That guy is awesome.
Great voice, cool style, lasting impression, funky personality... He has it all. Now, if only every guy were like that. Haha...
Well, it's nice to imagine. LOLS.

Paul Twohill is cool!!!
Vote for him all the way, cause he deserves to be S'pore Idol. Wahahahaha...
OOOOhhhhHHHH...
I get to stay another year!
LOLS.

C-ool!
(:

Posted by Char at 6:06 AM