charrr

history maker

2007-08-05T02:22:00.000-07:00

Is it true today that when people pray
Cloudless skies will break
Kings and queens will shake
Yes it's true and I believe it
I'm living for you

Is it true today that when people pray
We'll see dead men rise
And the blind set free
Yes it's true and I believe it
I'm living for you

I'm gonna be a history maker in this land
I'm gonna be a speaker of truth to all mankind
I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna run
Into your arms, into your arms again
Into your arms, into your arms again

Well it's true today that when people stand
With the fire of God, and the truth in hand
We'll see miracles, we'll see angels sing
We'll see broken hearts making history
Yes it's true and I believe it
We're living for you

-delirious? lyrics

... your voice was the soundtrack of my summer...

2007-07-25T03:17:00.000-07:00

The end of Harry Potter.
The final installment to a series that has marked each passing year of my life.
As I read the final sentence to the final book, my heart rises and beats with a bittersweet mingling of excitement, sadness, fear, longing, happiness.

Excitement, for what the future holds, because there is no certainty now.
Fear, of having to say goodbye to something so great, so powerful, so wonderful...
Longing, not being able to look forward to another new book to arrive. Not being able to wonder what mishaps Harry'd get into this year... Not being able to read about Malfoy anymore...
Happiness, because after all that Harry's been through, he's finally achieved his happily-ever-after.

Voldermort has fallen, and just like Avada Kedavra, time is irreversible.

The Harry Potter saga has ended with it's final chord; Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Now, I'm not too sure how Life will continue after this.
Afterall, Harry is my childhood hero. We all grew up with the adventures of Harry Potter.

So, now, what?
What happens after this? Fanfiction?
No. There is this blank spot in my heart... This longing that I can't quite put any words too. Perhaps one day, in the distant future, there will be another saga, written by J.K Rowling that will sweep us off our feet.
Perhaps one day, there will be another Harry Potter to capture our hearts and minds and soul and captivate us just as Harry did.

Perhaps... Perhaps...
But they're all just presumptions.

Time changes everything, life must go on...
But why does time have to move so quickly?

5 years ago, I was picking up my first Harry Potter book... And now, I've already finished reading the entire series.
I wish we didn't have to grow up so fast. But unfortunately, that's just the way life works...

Humans tend to heal themselves quickly too. No matter what happens, time always, always heals everything... There is no point in us trying to hold on or trying to move on, because ultimately, when it is time for us to do so, we will.
We just will.

So goodbye Harry Potter.
You're an old man now, with three kids, one of whom you named after Dumbledore and Snape.
Goodbye Draco Malfoy; king of my adolescent heart.
You're an old fart with receding hairline now...

Goodbye Harry Potter characters.
Goodbye then.

... irreplaceable...

2007-01-17T01:49:00.000-08:00

To the left
To the left

To the left
To the left

Mmmm to the left, to the left
Everything you own in the box to the left
In the closet, that's my stuff
Yes, if I bought it, baby, please don't touch (don't touch)
And keep talking that mess, thats fine
Could you walk and talk, at the same time?
And it's my name thats on that jacket
So go move your bags, let me call you a cab

Standing in the front yard, telling me
How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone
Call up that chick, and see if shes home
Oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know
What did you thinkI was putting you out for?
Because you was untrue
Rolling her around in the car that I bought you
Baby, drop them keys
Hurry up, before your taxi leaves

Standing in the front yard, telling me
How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable

(irreplaceable)

So since I'm not your everything

(irreplaceable)

How about I'll be nothing

(nothing)

Nothing at all to you

(nothing, nothing)

Baby I won't shed a tear for you

(I won't shed a tear for you)

I won't lose a wink of sleep

(a wink of sleep)

'Cause the truth of the matter is

(truth is)

Replacing you is so easy

To the left, to the left.
To the left, to the left.
MmmmmTo the left, to the left.

Everything you own in the box to the left

To the left, to the left.

Don't you ever for a second get to thinking

You're irreplaceable

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'

You must not know 'bout me (baby)
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute

You can pack all your bags we're finished
(you must not know 'bout me)
'Cause you made your bed now lay in it
(you must not know 'bout me)
I could have another you by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable

... if God is a DJ, life is a dancefloor...

2007-01-13T04:34:00.000-08:00

Whoa.
Today is such a wasted day.

Woke up at 0545 this morning to accompany my bro to his rugby training at acsi. omigawd. so annoying, being surrounded by pre-adolescent boys screaming at the top of their voices.
story of my life.

Anyways, when I came home, I was so tired, I just crashed immediately.
Then internet got fixed up today, so I'm blogging. hahaha. updating my dead dead dead blog. blearghs.

you know, it's so weird, it's like everything in my life seems to be falling into place, and yet, I still feel so empty. blearghs.

Fiz is in Shanghai right now, on school trip. pbfft. can't believe that we've already been together for 5and a 1/2 months already. omigawd. hahaha.
i miss you so much babe!!!
>_<
boo. you suck

... we all live under the same stars...

2007-01-08T18:58:00.000-08:00

OK.
I am going to say this once more.
I'm sorry for my "elitist" comments, and once again, thank YOU for your tags.
But SERIOUSLY.
Enough.
Look, if you don't like my blog, than go away.
and I hate to break it to you somebody, but st. nick's isn't a good school, it's actually known to alot of people as the slut school. no offence, and i hope none is taken. i know that there are many girls schools which are like that, and that not everyone is like that, but yeah. you get the drift.

... when you're gone, Í'll still be here to hold on...

2007-01-03T19:27:00.000-08:00

Ok.
I do realise that my dec. post has created alot of controversy in this blog, upon reading your comments, I feel that maybe my tone has been grossly misinterpreted. What I truly meant to say was this: we come from "top" schools, we've been conditioned to the mindset that we are the elites, and yet we're doing nothing about it, we're really just flaunting our positions in life. Now, I know that it isn't very fair to say that this rings true of everyone, but of the majority of our generation, it does.
We're too pampered, too spoilt, we haven't seen much of the world yet, I know that I belong to that group as well. I may be young, and yes, I'm immature, but this is my blog, and by blogging, I am actually growing up. Having read through all those comments, I do concede that the kids from what we've cruelly and egoistically dubbed "neighbourhood"schools actually make the better friends, and that many people, because they come from private/independent schools, actually don't have the word 'loyalty'in their dictionary, but then again, that was just my personal opinion.
And by expressing myself in that sense, I meant, in no way, whatsoever, to insult the less-privelleged kids, and I do also acknowledge the fact that many of the PMs and all came from neighbourhood schools, and that they too are equally capable of running our nation, but I believe that it is only one in a hundred who is willing to step out of their mould.
Again, I stress that I did not harbour any intentions whatsoever of insulting anyone who has read that recent post. It is, truly, written by someone too young and immature to think of consequences and also inexperienced and blind towards any political, social or economical issues.
I apologize for overlooking the dire consequences and also for sounding so callous.
And I would like to thank whoever tagged me with their comments and insights, it has helped me to mature in that aspect of thinking. Thank you.

... and I know it makes no sense...

2006-12-16T00:14:00.000-08:00

I refer to an article I read in the Straits Times a week back, it was something about elitism and how the so-called "middle class" in Singapore were feeling resentful towards the so-called "elites" in Singapore, something about how we always think that we deserve better treatment.
Upon reading that article, I seriously felt resentful myself.

My first thoughts were, "who are they to resent us? We worked for what we have, we're better than them. That's true, so why should we have to hide it?"

The truth is, we're too different from them. We have been groomed since young to believe that we're the best, and from that, we have always strived to achived perfection. Our peers influenced us, and we're heavily influenced by the west. We're overachievers in other words. We are the future leaders of Singapore.

I mean, come on, think about it, how can some common kid from a neighbourhood school govern Singapore the way that kids from Independant/Private schoools can?
But then again, we're getting old. In another 5 more years, we'll be 20 and flying away from our nests. I wonder, how many of us will actually consider basing our careers in Singapore?
I know I won't.

Living in Singapore has always been an option for me, but living overseas has always been in the back of my mind. Hovering. And as each year passes, and as I continually grow older by the second, it becomes clearer, and it starts pulling me towards it. It becomes more of a "I want" instead of a "I don't want".

Going off to a college in the european regions, and then landing a job as a newspaper or magazine editor in America has always been a plan that I roughly thought I'd pursue, never something in the asian region, and yet...
Now, I find that the future is in Asia.

Growing up as a kid, it was always "America, America, America". I was brought up with the mindset that if you're not "american" enough, you'll never make it big, how wrong I was.
The future is in Shanghai, or Fuzhou, or Singapore. Shanghai is still a developing country, and there are many major developments in Fuzhou, and in Singapore, what with the IR, it will be my peers who will be running it.

It suddenly hits me, and I'm just sitting here and thinking, "omigawd.
"WE'RE THE LEADERS OF TOMORROW. WE ARE THE FUTURE."
And we're so underprepared, so pampered and spoilt and so... Immature. All we really care about is "me, my friends, shopping, my phone, my computer, me, my hair, my clothes, me, what's in, what's not, who's in, who's not, the latest gossip, me".
And it seems like, there's a lot of "me" inside what we care about. We don't care about the economy, we don't care about our futures, we don't care about anything other than our own tiny little universes.

It has never occurred to us that we might not be able to get into the university of our choice yet, and that in life, we won't always have the best. We only lean back onto our parents money, and yet we're called the "elites of singapore society"?

How can we be considered elites when we don't behave like them?
We go to the best schools in singapore (ACJC, ACSIndependant, ACSBarker Road, MGS, RJC, Raffles Institution, RGS, Hwa Chong Junior College, Nanyang, Hwa Chong, SJI, St. Andrews, SCGS) and yet we behave more and more like those children whom we secretly thihnk we're superior to. Yet, what do we have in us that makes us superior to them?
In the end, it is still our parents' money that we fall back on. This is the society that has raised us and groomed elitism into us, and yet, we're all planning to fly far, far away from here, how fair is that?

There is alot of resentment towards us, but we know it's just sour grapes, we know that, and yet we still flaunt our positions in front of them. Does it mean that just because we come from "branded schools" we can behave the way that we do now, spoilt brats?

Or is it time for us to step up, and show the rest of the so-called "singapore society" just why exactly, we're called the elites and not them.

... I can't believe this is happening to us...

2006-10-24T22:21:00.000-07:00

Okay.
Everything's happening this past few days. Our worlds are spinning out of control, everything's falling apart. Walls that were felled are being rebuilt and our emotions are going ape shyte.
Can't believe that Jason dumped Shu!!!
All of us thought that it would be the other way... Whoa...

Shu was seriously sad. She cried her eyes out and everything... Blearghs.
Isn't that depressing??? Just think.
Some RI nerd dumped an MG girl. Like... WHAAATTT??!!!!
There is seriously something wrong with that. It's also Shu's first time getting dumped. I can't believe it. Where has chilvary gone to?! Gawd.

Oh. On a slightly more unbelievable note, Joey and Joy are going to have been together for a year already in a week's time. Can you believe that?! It's amazing, right? In a world of teenage romances which barely make it past three months, here's a couple that's still going strong after a year, makes you really believe that maybe out there, there is such a thing as love. Whatever.

But really, the whole JasondumpingShu issue is seriously... URGH. And the best part?? He dumped her a day before their 4th anniversary. AND had the gall to say, "we can still be friends right?" and "I'm sorry baby". Urgh. BABY! Ew. Not only does he not have the decency to suggest a breakup on HER terms, he even uses words like BABY whilst dumping her. Like what the hell is wrong with this guy?!

Ok.
Whatever. I digress, right?
Yeah.

Like I was saying, this seems to be a time of confusion. I can't believe that this is really us. We're like changing all over again. Learning something new, breaking old friendships and making new ones. Are we changing too fast? Progressing too much???
Have we subconsciously changed beyond comprehension? That two people who used to be so close now hate each other to the core?
Why is it that our friendships have to be filled with backstabbing and bitching?!

Why can't be just all be who we really are? We're all just hypocrites.
Me especially.

... the answer lies in you...

2006-10-06T03:42:00.000-07:00

Name 20 people you can think of right now. Don't read the questions until you have named the 20 people. At the end of it all, choose 5 people to do this. Ready?
Start~!
1Nerd
2Joy
3Pheobs
4Timoballs
5Shu
6Jason
7Hafiz
8Becky
9Kimmi
10Jon Wong
11Kurey
12Dean
13Cells
14Awstin
15Kimo
16Alex
17Kat
18Teck Chye
19Banana
20Ben

How did you meet #14?
In shanghai, while swimming. haha. xD

What would you do if you never met #1?
Be sadsad. Cause nerddy is sho cute worx. hahaha. xD I'll be dang depressed. no. i'll probably live like usual, cause if you'd never miss what you never had, right? haha.

What would you do if #9 and #20 dated?
Er. Freak out? Cause he's like a freaking year younger than her!!! oh. plus she's a chio bu and he's an ah beng. yeckk!!!

Did you ever like #19?
Eh. NO. He's like a year younger, plus he's my ex's brother. yuckk!!!

Would #6 and #17 make a good couple?
We-ell... She's a whore and he's a manwhore. So... yeah. XD

Describe #3
SOOOOO CUTE WORX!!!! Wahahahahahas. Blur-blur de xiao nu hai. wakakakakakakas.

Do you think #8 is attractive?
Er. No comments.

Tell me something bout #7
He's sweet, cute, hot, funny, and uber uber nice??? haha. xD

Do you know any of #12's family?
Yeah. His bro, his mum, his aunt, his cousins... Yeah. He's like my ex. Blearghs.

What's #8's favourites?
Her "survival" kit (aka beauty essentials), her crumpler bag. For her fav. lame jokes, it's... Us: Becky, don't be an ass. Becky: heehaw, heehaw

What would you do if #18 confesses that he/she likes you?
Been there, done that. Freaked out. He's my jie for gawd's sake. blearghs.

What language does #15 speak?
Drama. She's a total drama queen.

Who is #9 going out with?
Her Nerdd dardar. wakakakakas. XD

How old is #16 now?
13??? hahaha. xD

When was the last time you spoke to #13?
This morning when she yelled at me to switch off the lights at 5am, we live together duhh. haha. xD

Who is #2's favourite singer/band?
me. hahahaha. i'm ego. okayye. no larh, i think she likes... pink currently. haha. xD CURRENTLY horh!

Would you ever date #4?
NO!!!! He's like my bro. haha.... he's too alike with me. yeckky. wait... that's a good thing. so maybe yeah. no wait. he's timoballs. NEVER. haha. xD

Would you ever date #7?
Again, been there done that. We just broke up like... 2 days ago. geez.

Is #15 single?
Well... I think so. Seeing as she and her bf split liao. But knowing her, she ain't single for long. haha. xD

Would you ever be in a serious relationship with #11?
No. She's my twin sister for gawd's sake.

What school does #3 go to?
The same one as me. We're in the same class. Lawls.

Where does #6 live?
Erm... Eunos MRT???? haha... Who knows, who cares. Lawls.

What's your favourite thing about #5?
Favourite thing indeed... :)

Have you seen #1 naked?
No. Do I want to??? That's a right reserved for Kimmi. hahahaha. xD

... these are the confessions...

2006-09-24T23:42:00.000-07:00

Ramblings of an angsty teen.
That's exactly what I've been lately.
Cussing, swearing and just being mad at everything, going all, 'life sucks' and everything.
Don't know why.
Don't wanna know why.
Who cares?

I'm not going to be like this. I refuse to let myself continue being like this.
yeck.

Why English is so Hard

2006-09-15T01:20:00.000-07:00

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are geese;
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
The cow in the plural may be cows or kine.
But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,
But I give you a boot - would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
If the singular is this, and the plural is these,
Should the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese?
Then one may be that, and three may be those,
Yet the plural of hat would never be hose.
We speak of a brother, and also say brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim!
So our English, I think you all will agree,
Is the trickiest language you ever did see!

... take my hand, make me whole once again...

2006-08-27T18:59:00.000-07:00

It's funny, how in just one moment, you can fall totally in love with someone. That when you least expect it, love hits you, smack in the face, and you fall. So devastatingly, so wonderfully in love with the person whom you least expect to fall in love with.

I know that I probably say this alot, but... I've seriously never felt this way before. Like my heart's about to beat out of my chest, like I'm slowly dying inside, and yet completely and totally happy.

Is this really love? Or is it just infatuation???

I don't want to fall any further, or like him any further because I know that in the end, we will only get hurt... Both of us.
I've thought myself to be in love with Dean for over a year, and suddenly, one day, I wake up and find that... There is someone else whom I care about more than Dean. There is someone else whom the thought of losing hurts even more than losing Dean. Whom I want to spend every waking hour with and don't want to go to sleep because reality is so much better than fantasy...
He's perfect.

Or at least I think so. Everything I ever dreamed of and more...

... then why does my hand fit yours this way...

2006-08-09T03:46:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are again...
Standing before each other just like when we first met.
You with all your pretenses and me with all my defences, we've changed beyond comprehension, yet deep down inside, we're still the same.

We crave for answers, we're trying to find something magical to strike a chord in our hearts... We're pushing each other away and yet our souls still manage to recognize each other's???

Yet...
Circumstances have now changed... You still care about me, and I still care about you, but our roles have changed so drastically. Where once we cares for each other in a romantic way, now I see you only as my elder brother, and vice versa. You treat me like a little kid who doesn't know how to take care of herself, and I treat you as my annoying elder brother...

Things have changed so much between us... We're still friends, but we've changed.
We can't talk about anything under the sun anymore, yet when I want someone to whine to, when I need a shoulder to cry upon, you're always there for me to depend upon...

It's nice to be friends again...

... when there was me and you...

2006-08-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
Thats coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
And once upon a song

Now I know you're not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I can tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Because I liked the view
When there was me and you

I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind

Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you

... if you're not the one ...

2006-08-01T21:14:00.001-07:00

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why youre so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I dont want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms

Daniel Bedingfield; Gotta get thru this .

PS: omigosh . i think the lyrics in this song is so dang poignant and so totally what i feel inside . lawls . or felt before at least ... eh . something around those lines at any rate . XD

... if you're not the one ...

2006-08-01T21:14:00.000-07:00

... cause you're my daydream...

2006-07-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

Suddenly things between us have changed again. and once more, i am left to ponder, plagued with the question, 'what happened this time?'

i'm always the one left to pick up the pieces in our friendship.
i've always been the one to call back...

well.
maybe i'm tired of being taken for granted.

do you even CARE?
no. sometimes, i seriously doubt it.

one day, you'll wake up and realise that... i'm just not here anymore.
but by then, it'll be too late.

... i want this to last...

2006-07-10T04:12:00.000-07:00

~~I love awstin~~
~~I hate awstin~~

I HATE ME

I hate myself.
For loving you.
for falling in love again.
after promising myself i won't.
I broke my own promise.

I hate myself.
I really do.
I dislike me.
Soooo much.

~~i love love~~

charRr

... you and me, we shared a mystery...

2006-07-07T21:21:00.001-07:00

Ever met somebody, who touched your life in the most incredible way, that the moment you set eyes on him/her, you knew for sure that this would be the person you'd give your heart to? I did... He was probably the first guy i'd ever loved, and probably the first guy i'd ever love, but it didn't matter alot, because... at the end of the day, we broke up.

Yes. I'm talking about Dean.

You know, the funny thing is that... Even though I will always love him, I've already acknowledged the fact that he never loved me, and it doesn't hurt at all. It's weird, because I just spent the past one year of my life, pining over someone who never loved me at all... But i suppose what i was really crying for was the loss of a friend. A really good friend.

The oddest thing is that, sometimes, even now, I just wish I could be caught within his warm embrace again, even if only for a moment. But then, it's all in human nature. To want to feel safe and secure. To relish the feeling that just for one moment in your life, nothing in the world can go wrong. That time will ground to a standstill...
It's a nice feeling. To be understood, to just have someone who will listen and give you good advice and not force his opinion on you. To let you just be yourself and not do anything about it, who accepts you unconditionally for who you are and yet dares to incur your wrath by telling you your most obvious flaws (the ones you are blinded to.) Who will tell you the truth and not backstab you or anything.
It's nice.
Really.

Yet... It is also this very person, who can help the world and shoulder the weight of the entire population's problems upon his/her own shoulders that builds a fortress of protection around themselves. They never show the world who they truly are inside, and... At the end of the day, they just crumble up and they suffer in silence.
Everyone has a breaking point. Everyone.
Much less those whom are shouldering the weight of the world upon their shoulders. It must hurt them alot to always have to pretend to be happy and all when they're not, to be forced to forgive unconditionally and all that...

And what's worst, is if that person is someone who is really important to you. Someone whom you care about deeply... Yet what can you do to help them? What can you do when they're suffering in silence and refuse to open up and share with you? You can do nothing...
You can pray. Yes, and hope that God answers those prayers.
But that's about it.

You can try and be their pillar of strenght, try to be there for them and comfort them, but often, you fail in that aspect miserably.
Some people don't deserve hurt, but they always are.
Maybe that's why they hide themselves.
Because they're already so vulnerable on the inside, because their hearts have already been shattered into a million pieces that they dare not let anyone else see what's truly within them, for fear that their heart would once again be broken.

I wish that I could help.
I wish that I could have the answers or the immense power to help them.
I wish I had some magical prowess that would heal their hurt and their cynicsm. But I don't.

I am only a girl.
And I can only watch the world revolve around me.
I can only stand and watch as the people around me crumble underneathe their illusions of love and life.
I am incapable of doing anything other than watching. And seeing.

Even though it hurts, even though it tears me apart. I can do nothing to lessen the burdens of these people. I can only hope that one day, they too will find the courage to open up and let go of these burdens instead of crumbling underneathe the immense force.
What is the use of living when you're chained by pain, anger, confusion and all. What's the purpose of life when you're suffering in silence and shouldering the burdens of the world alone? Friends are there for a reason. yes, we may not always be able to help. But we would always be more than willing to shoulder the burden with you.

2 pairs will be able to lift much better than 1.

I will always be here for you if you ever need to talk. I don't guarantee that I'll have all the answers to your questions, and I don't guarantee that I'd be able to make them go away, but I'll help shoulder your burdens and I'll help take the weight of your problems. And together, we will be able to lift it up easier, and that way, you won't crumble and fall.

This goes to everyone out there.
You're never alone. Just open up and share. Friends, will always be there!

... you and me, we shared a mystery...

2006-07-07T21:21:00.000-07:00

... Hold me close to you, never let me go...

2006-07-04T03:48:00.000-07:00

Singapore.

How am I to say this?

Funnily, I miss Shanghai so bad.
I've found my life there. I've found where I belong.
I've found someone whom I can love, and the best part?
I know I'm not going to be afraid of falling in love anymore.

He makes me happy.
He makes me feel good.
There's this feeling of right-ness around him. Like everything just clicks and falls into place.

I actually love this one.

(Feeling blissful.
This is Life.)

... Who are we now?...

2006-06-13T19:49:00.000-07:00

Who are we now? How have we changed?

Are we still the same?

If I had half the answers to the questions that plague my mind, I would be so so so happy.
But alas, I don't.
What a fickle breed we, homosapiens, are. We changed and evolve constantly, we make friends and we lose friends, we make decisions and regret them ultimately. Life changes us, for some, it embitters them. For others, it makes them stronger.

I wish I could say that I was the latter of the two, but like many around me, I can only say that I am the former. Yet, despite it all, I find myself persevering till the end, always looking forward to a new day and just hoping that it may be better.
But better than what exactly? Better than a meaningless life? Better than a non-existant existance? I once believed that fools were the happiest people alive, but now, I start to doubt. Afterall, are we not all fools? Do we know everything that should be happening or do we make mistakes, too?

Happiness is such a fickle friend. One moment, it's laughing and smiling with you, the next, it's turned its back on you. I guess maybe that's why we always tend to focus more on the single black dot in the sea of white; because at least sadness is always constant. As depressing as that may sound. But again, I digress.
Maybe the single, biggest human flaw is that we tend to focus too much on the 'dark', 'dank' side of life, and not enough on the happier, brighter aspect of it.

In Shanghai, it's so so so much bigger than in Singapore, thus allowing us to feel and be whoever it is that we truly are inside. There are no social rules tying us down, there are no stuffy musts or must-nots.
Here, I can be myself and just pause and sniff the flowers by the roadside (which of course I won't, cause the air here is really really really polluted, but I digress).

"Do fairytales exist?"

How many cynics will reply with a "No! Of course not!"
Yet here, with it's beautiful landscapes and towering buildings, it's almost impossible not to imagine what it must've been like as Cinderella, or Aurora, or Ariel... It's almost hard not to imagine what it must feel like to be swept off your feet, because this city is almost magical.
In a place where no one ever sleeps, one can just be whoever it is that we want to be inside, yet still, in this almost overpopulated place, surprisingly, it's also the loneliest.

I must confess, I like Shanghai. Almost too much.
I like being able to be myself; Shanghai has never failed to ignite the spark of life in me that I know will invariably be extinguished the moment the plane touches back down in Singapore, but for those stolen moments of "me-ness", I'm satisfied, and yet at the same time, inevitably depressed.

But that just brings us back to our greatest flaw; we just tend to focus so so so much on the aftermath of things, worrying about this and that. We never just live for the moment.
Maybe it's time we start "living". Doing things on impulse without thinking of the consequences, like just jumping into a bus and going down to Orchard to watch a movie, or just get into a cab and buy tickets to go to another country or something. Live a little, laugh a lot...

But we just never ever learn, do we?

... If God is a DJ, then Life is a dancefloor, Love is the rythm...

2006-06-11T18:30:00.000-07:00

When did we change?

When did we start drifting apart? Life has a funny way of pulling people apart. When did our lives start becoming just a dancefloor?
Since when was Love the rhythm?

You know, the funniest thing is that... I'm still all alone. I can be surrounded by a crowd of friends, and yet still feel completely completely drained and emotionless. I'm happy, yes, but it's missing the true essence of happiness.

I've deduced that in this world, it's filled with two kinds of people.
People like Loysius and Dean, and people like sam and Rk...

The people who always appear happy, to never ever seem to have a problem outwardly, who just laugh things off all the time, and the people who have problems, and actually whine and show them aloud.

I don't know which one I belong in.
But I'm afraid. I'm seriously afraid, that one day, I'll just press the razor blade to my wrist and bleed to death. I mean, I'm half-dead already.
I've changed beyond comprehension.
This isn't the person I am. This isn't the person I could be. Ain't who I want to be either, yet it's getting so easy to hide behind that facade again.

I want to be me again, but it's getting so hard to smile. And even when I do, it's just a shell of who I truly am.
And the weirdest part of it all??

Even if I wanted to talk to my best friend, we've just drifted so far apart, that... The only time I even see him, is on Sundays. And that's only if we're having breakki together.

I miss my lunch compatriat.
And I miss being able to just crap about with the 2nd lamest in the OC.
I miss just being able to laugh and make sarcastic remarks and just know that the laughter isn't phony.
I miss being able to have good lunches and all.
I miss my gor. Who was like the best gor there ever existed.
I miss my mei, whom I haven't even spoken to face to face in quite a while.
I miss my shushi-buddaye, whom I haven't spoken to since Gawd-knows-when.
and amongst all that, I just miss being able to laugh and smile and be myself again.

I know that this is pathetic, I know that I'm pathetic, yet...
I'm just so tired of feeling nothing.
Numbed to the core...

...I'm here without you baby, but you're still on my lonely mind...

2006-06-03T06:06:00.000-07:00

Who needs ONE hill, when you can have TWO?!

Haha...
Vote for Paul Twohill! Cause he rawks my socks! Wahahahahahaha...

That guy is awesome.
Great voice, cool style, lasting impression, funky personality... He has it all. Now, if only every guy were like that. Haha...
Well, it's nice to imagine. LOLS.

Paul Twohill is cool!!!
Vote for him all the way, cause he deserves to be S'pore Idol. Wahahahaha...
OOOOhhhhHHHH...
I get to stay another year!
LOLS.

C-ool!
(:

... It's gonna get to your heart...

2006-05-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

This was no accident, this is a thereaupatic chain of events.

So many things have happened in my life, and these in turn have molded me to become who I am now. The Charlotte Then that existed from pre-dean days has disappeared. I'm no longer that naive little girl anymore. I expect so so much out of a relationship, so if I'd hurt you in anyway, I'm sorry. I never meant to.

I never asked you to be the one to keep us together.
Maybe it would've been better if both of us had kept our own way, if you hadn't given in so much. That would've enabled us to learn how to give way to the other. To work things out in that relationship.

Yes, I'm indecisive.
I never know what I want. But from this, I've learnt. We all make mistakes, and we learn from it. For me, it just takes me one mistake to arrive at a decision. I'm sorry for hurting you, and yes, I still love you. I've realised that you're not the one who zombifies me, but rather, it is myself; in my attempts to stop falling further for you.

I'm sorry for thinking that I'm the bad guy.
And no, I'm not doing it for pity. Maybe it's because I really feel as though I'm getting all the blame?
But whatever. I digress.

I'm sorry for hiding myself from you, for not letting you know who I am inside. I've hardened myself against the world because I'm afraid that if I let the covers slip away again, I'll end up hurt again. Like how Dean hurt me. I'm sorry for comparing you to him, I realise now that you could never be him, and I also know now that... I don't want you to be him.

I love you because you're you.
And that's enough for me.
Never change.

Even if we can't be together anymore, I know that it's my mistake. Not yours. Not anyone else's but mine. And right now, I'm not going to justify my actions anymore...

... there will always be something better...

2006-05-29T07:55:00.000-07:00

I koped this off Loysius' blog.
hehe...
but it really makes sense...
hope this helps!!!

A Creed To Live By

Don’t undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others:
It is because we are different that each of us is special.

Don’t set your goals by what other people deem important:
Only you know what’s best for you.

Don’t take for granted the things closest to your heart:
Cling to them as you would to your life.
For without them life is meaningless.

Don’t let your life slip through your fingers
by living in the past or the future:
By living your life one day at a time,
You live all the days of your life.

Don’t give up when you still have something to give
Nothing is really over…
until the moment you stop trying.

Don’t be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect:
It is the fragile thread that binds us to each other.

Don’t be afraid to encounter risks:
It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

Don’t shut love out of your life by saying its impossible to find:
The quickest way to receive love is to give love;
The fastest way to lose love is to hold on too tightly:
And the best way to keep love is, to give it wings.

Don’t dismiss your dreams; to be without dreams is to be without hope:
To be without hope is to be without purpose.

Don’t run through life so fast that you forget where you’ve been,
but also where you’re going
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savoured
every step of the way...

... and I live without you...

2006-05-29T07:46:00.000-07:00

To the anonymous tagger/flamer known as shht bhim(?), please stop flaming Samuel Tan.
Although I thank you for standing up for me, and although I am truely greatful, I beseech you to stop, because A) he isn't worth it. B) it's actually my fault. And C) it's wrong.

Today was a pretty good day for me. Sorta. A little. Ok... Not really.
Haha.
But it was pretty funny though. Dean's sms's really cheered me up! =D

thanks oldie!!!
(:

... i'm singing in the rain...

2006-05-28T06:15:00.000-07:00

Today was Sunday.

Had church.

Aloy and I, as usual, went for our ritual breakkie at KAPS. and as usual, met at 8. haha...

We went to church late. For once. haha...

Today's worship was kinda... bad??? LOLS...
I dunno.

I ditched class today. Cause of some personal problem. Obviously you don't need to know about it.
Anyways.

After church, loysius and I decided to take a walk. Oh happyhappy, hodeedee. it decides to rain!

and it was like really rain. Aloy and I were literally like singing, "Hallelujah, grace like rain pours down on me", and it literally was!!! LOLS.
but anyways, bottom line is, we got drenched. But it was fun.

Thanks loysius! (:

Up for walking in the rain anytime.
thanks for helping me through that trying time...

... I want to linger...

2006-05-27T05:33:00.000-07:00

What does One Community mean?

When it was first started, it meant "family".
Yet now, it's all disbanded.

Have we slowly lost sight of what a community means as we go through our everyday lives, have we lost sight of what a community means as we grow more and more accustomed and comfortable with our friendships?

I admit, I'm more than reluctant to get up and make new friends, being so comfortable with the old friendships. Yes, it's nice to have people who understand you, it's nice to not have to let others know you, it's nice to be known, but have we become so encumbered by our histories, that we no longer want to write new chapters, preferring to re-read the old ones over and over again?

The One Community means family.
One family, under One God.

We learnt together, we praised together, and we encouraged each other. Yet slowly, we've all changed, and suddenly, the One Community is disbanding. It's losing the flavour that was what made OC uniquely ours. It's becoming just another stereotyped youth group, and it's becoming stale, and drab.
Have we lost that spark that OC was all about?

Food for thought...

... these camping days and friendships true...

2006-05-27T05:15:00.000-07:00

Came back from camp yesterday.
I'm missing that place already.

The friendships we made, the adventures we shared, the laughter, the tears, the encouragement...
All that I've learnt.

This experience has made me realise just what it is exactly that I want out of life, how to be independant, how to be me.

Yes, there was Hafidism, and there was Hasism, and that's what made everything easier.

I love it there.
It's easier to breathe, easier to laugh, easier to do everything. The stars shone bright, we were able to see every single constellation, and I'm just happy.

I want to linger,
a little longer.
a little longer here with you...
it's such a perfect night,
it doesn't seem quite right,
that it's my last night here with you...
come september,
i will remember,
these camping days and friendships true...
and as the years go by,
i'll think of you and sigh,
but this is goodnight and not goodbye...

Chan Mali-chan [remix]
this is group 10,
and this is 11.
and we are here tonight,
to present this performance.
there was hafidism,
and there was hasism.
and even though they're nonsense,
we still love them.

why???
because, we are family.

and you go...
chan mali chan, hoi hoi!
chan mali chan, hoi hoi!
chan mali chan,
na na na na na na na...

Beautiful [remix]
You're beautiful,
you're beautiful,
my foot.
i saw your face, and i ran away,
cause i don't know what to do.
cause you make me wanna puke!

Sunshine:
you are my sunshine,
my only sunshine,
you make me happy,
when skies are grey,
you'll never know dear,
how much i love you,
please don't take my sunshine away,

REMIX!

you are my sun-sun-sun-sunshine,
my only sun-sun-sun-sunshine.
you make me hap-hap-hap-happy,
when skies are grey.
you'll never know dear,
how much i love you,
please don't take my sunshine away.

All these memories.
I never want to forget or let go of them.
That was the best time of my life.
And I'll hold it dear to me always.

Kem Kaizen, I love you!
(:

... Tell the world that Jesus lives...

2006-05-21T04:45:00.000-07:00

Today was a really amazing day.

Woke up at 7+, met Aloy for breakfast, went to church for worship practise, sang during OC and disbanded for class.
Class was interesting. Debated about faith, it really helped me reaffirm my faith again. I guess writer's like Dan Brown only help us to think more deeply and in doing so, helps us understand and trust that there is a God.

Because I believe in the duality of things, yin-yang. Good-evil. If there's so much temptation and evil in the world, than surely there is a God. In the end, it all boils down to faith.

After church, went to KAPs with Aloy and Lala for lunch. Woott!!!! Jeremy stood Aloy up!!! LOLS... it was uber uber funn!
Sms'd aloy's "deardear" for him twice. Wahahahahahahaha... He nearly killed me!!! xD
Got to see what "mixue" looks like!!! Wahahahahahahahahahahahaha... She's ok lahh... Not say very pretty, but not say very ugly either. Haha... But maybe it's just me. LOLS. I mean, I'm a girl. How can I tell??? LOLS...

Erm... Yeah. That's about it.

Life is a strange series of crossroads. When you wake up in the morning, and your heart is heavy, just turn to God, pray and ask him for forgiveness and guidance. He will forgive all your sins and give you all that you need. Trust in him. And he will make your path straight.

... Why can't I turn off the radio...

2006-05-20T05:38:00.000-07:00

I don't care.
And I don't want to care anymore.

I'm tired of all this.
I'm tired of always having to forgive someone who has hurt me.

For once, I'm saying goodbye and I'm going to mean it.
I'm not holding on to regret. I'm not going to cry over you anymore.
8 months.
8 months and it's enough.

I'm incapable of loving you anymore.
You hurt me too much.
You've hurt me too much.

Just leave.
And we'll pretend that we've never met.
That our lives are simply perfect.

You're misunderstood.
I'm the bad guy. OK?
Just leave.

I don't want you in my life anymore.

... My only weakness is that I care too much...

2006-05-20T05:31:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired.
And sick.

Bleargh...
Slept from morning till night today.
Didn't want to wake up.

I'm too empty and pained inside.
But most of all, just wanna wallow in my own self-pity for a while.

I feel so dang tired and fed up of everything.

I hate myself. :(

... As we hold on, we remember...

2006-05-18T06:41:00.000-07:00

Too many dreams, aspirations, hopes, opportunities, friendships and time wasted. Too many mundane, ordinary doubts, tears and quarrels weighing us down...

Recently, I've been unable to get out of bed facing life with a never-fading smile. But by pretending that everything in life is fine, there is a sort of line I can cross whereby I can pretend that Life ain't half bad.

Too many things weigh me down and I'm tired both physically and mentally. Too many thoughts plague me and I'm left with doubts. Left to face the symphony of crashing illusions alone. Sometimes, I really wonder... I'm just like a driftwood in the ocean of time. Bobbing around, the waves as my trials and tribulations. Sometimes I get washed ashore, and I think... "Maybe, this is my lifeline", but then, what seems like seconds later, I am once again drifting into oblivion.

Too many mundane, everyday things weigh me down.
I really really just want to curl up and sleep. And maybe never wake up...

... Make a wish, hold my hand...

2006-05-17T03:12:00.000-07:00

Can you love me like I can love you???

Somehow I doubt it.

... So long ago, I didn't have a care about me...

2006-05-14T19:20:00.000-07:00

Bleargh.

Here I am again...
Finally dragging myself to actually blog for once. Haha.

I've been tormented lately, about my own ineptitude and inability to control my own life. I've also been assailed by too many things. Burdens, piling up upon my shoulders. So much so, that it's been starting to feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world upon my shoulders.

It kinda sucks.

A new life...
In a foreign country. Shanghai...
In the past few weeks, I've begun to hate that name and have even bugun to spit that name out in malice. I know that, given time, and if I think logically, I really will love that place, but I can't. Not when I have to leave behind all that means so much to me.

I'm leaving behind my childhood home and friends, and along with that, memories of a lifetime. As melodramatic as that may sound.

But whatever, I digress.
As I was saying before my thoughts led me astray, I've been engulfed in a torrent of conflicting emotions... Well, more or less been completely devoid of it.
Sometimes, it's almost scary how I wake up and think, "Oh. It's just another day. Why am I still alive?" as opposed to the "Wheee... It's a brand new day! Good morning Jesus! Wahahahahaha..." that I usually get up with.

It's been getting constantly harder to breath and to smile. Constantly harder to find things to laugh at and taking up practically all of my willpower not to snap at the people around me, which I find myself dangerously close to doing nowadays...

I don't even know why I even try, probably cause I myself, need that assurance. And not because of any other reason, but probably cause I need to know that I still can smile and laugh, and in doing so, provide the balm that my soul needs.

After all, laughter is a luxury few can afford. I just happen to be one of those lucky few.
If I were to lose my laughter, I don't know where I would be. God blessed me with an ever-bubbling personality and the uncanny ability to look and argue both sides of an argument. It just depends on whether or not I choose to look at Life as a cup half-empty or half-full.

Life is often how we choose to view it. Our perspectives on things, and our perspectives on new experiences and adversities.
Going to Shanghai is a new step for me, and I'm going to record it step-by-step... I guess... In a way it's a chance for me to grow up. And just for once, I'm not going to run away from it, but rather, I think I'm going to embrace this chance and actually take the first step to growing up. Perhaps, it really will be for the best to give up the last remaining remnants of a childlike demeanour and obstinance.

Besides, isn't it retaining a child-like wonder and a child-like heart that really matters? I know that no matter how much time has elapsed, I can always count on a cheerful countenance and a childish obsession with counting stars to save me from the mundane lifestyle that I will, no doubt, be assailed with as I encounter the hazards of growing up.

Deficient though I may be, it will not be because of my lack of want to grow up. But rather, I would think myself deficient if I were to lose the 'real' Charlotte Then during the trials of growing-up.

I shall think of Shanghai as a new adventure.
Charlotte Then will take the world by storm! (:

... Lord take my life and make it wholly thine...

2006-05-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

Faith is the belief that God is real and that God is good. It is a choice to believe that the One who made it all hasn't left it all and that He still sends light into the shadows and responds to gestures of faith...
Faith is the belief that God will do what is right.

God says that the more hopeless your circumstances, the more likely, your salvation. The greater your cares, the more genuine your prayers. The darker the room, the greater the need for light.
God's help is near and always available, but it is only given to those who seek it.

He still moves stones...

"Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it."
Hebrews 11:1

... Saying that you love me, is not the words I need to hear from you...

2006-05-10T23:59:00.000-07:00

Read title.

Guess that's how I feel???

Haha... Will elaborate on my day further. Another time.
Perhaps.
Maybe not.

Bleargh.

... Thank you for the price you've paid...

2006-05-07T19:07:00.000-07:00

Life is sweet.

Wouldn't you agree?

Well... No.
Not many of my peers would agree with that cliche.

Most of us are ticking time-bombs, filled to the brim and bursting with angst, depression, alone-ness, self-depreciation.
We tend to focus on the nastier aspects on life, we continue being the narrow-minded people that all of us know we are deep inside, zoned in on our own pain and suffering and depression. Telling others that they're self-centred when we ourselves, are hardly any better.

We somehow seem to forget the love, concern and money that our parents have invested in us, we tend to forget the fun we share with our siblings when we're not fighting, we tend to get irritated with our grandparents or those belonging in the older generation.

Why?

Because we're self-centred and spoilt.
That's why.

We believe that the world owes us all something.
Well, the world owes us nothing. Never did, and never will.

It's time we grasped that fact and learnt to live life with that.
Life is sweet.
But only if we allow the sweetness to seep through to our souls. We'll never ever get the full picture until we start wallowing in our own laughter as opposed to our bitterness and pent-up anger.

We are teenagers. These are supposedly the best times of our lives.
Let's learn to live a little by actually loving life.

We've got the rest of eternity to moan about how depressing our lives are and everything, but we've got so little time to enjoy this sense of freedom and perfection. Teenagers live once and only once, instead of throwing these things away so carelessly, why don't we start building stones for our future?

Instead of wanting only freedom and arguing with our parents about that, we should start talking to them and proving to them that we deserve that freedom.
Instead of whining about how they don't understand us, whine instead about how we don't understand them.
Instead of questioning why our parents can't be more like our idea of perfect parents, question instead why we can't be more like their ideas of perfect kids.
Instead of asking them why they can't trust us, ask ourselves instead why they can't trust us.

At the end of the day, we have most of the answers.
The key to a beautiful, enriching, happy, sweet life is in our pockets.
And the thing that's stopping us from unlocking the door to eternal happiness is our own stopping hand.

To admit facts, we're just too set and old in our beliefs. We make our own suffering and our trials.
We choose to blame others, but never blame the true culprits.
Let us hope then, that we raise our courage and take the first step and plunge into happiness.

Life is sweet.
Let's live life with that sweetness.

... smiles fade in the summer...

2006-05-02T05:23:00.000-07:00

Today, I break the customary rule of my blog title, and I use a random line instead of a song line.
Today, I shall also, instead of blogging about what happened today, blog about something that is stirred up in me when I read the line, "smiles fade in the summer".

Smiles fade in the summer...
I am brought back to my childhood days of faraway, where I remember mistily; a long stretch of beach, a million stars and what seems like a lifetime of laughter...

I remember childish laughters being carried across the wind, toys discarded in the sand and children playing catch under a canopy of stars and moon. Slowly, however, that image is replaced by sobs, broken toys buried in sand, and the children playing catch, are gone.
They grew up...

I used to be one of those children. I remember so much... The foolish smiles, the uncontrollable laughter, the pure, untainted happiness. Childlike innocence and childlike wonder.
Yet suddenly, that perfect world, came crashing down.
And all that happiness and picture-perfect lives, became broken smiles, uncontrollable sobs, and a desperate attempt to run away from the truth. And childlike wonder, and childlike innocence, was buried six-feet under.

... And the smiles we use to carry, the laughter that used to come so freely in the warm summer air, the scent of honeysuckles and barbequed meat mingling together, slowly faded away to be replaced by emptiness.
And we let our smiles fade in the summer...

... Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day...

2006-04-30T23:25:00.000-07:00

ALOY and I have decided that...

HARIBO and SOFT-TOYS make the world go ROUND!
Wahahaha...

I don't care.
[pouts]
I'm gonna marry Haribo when I grow up!
LOLS...

Aloy = mean.
Aloy = evil.
Aloy = erm. gay?
Wahahaha...

Yes.
Aloy, even though your birth certificate may register you as a male, it doesn't mean that you really are male male.
Hurhur.

(x

Wahahaha...
I love chocolates!
And Gelare ice cream!
LOLS.

I love Haribo more!
(:

... cause you had a bad day...

2006-04-30T03:39:00.000-07:00

OOoooohhhhhHHHHh...

Wahahaha... Woke up at 7 today luh.
Oh my gosh.
Wahahahahahaha... Was supposed to meet Aloy at Kaps at 8. Hurhur.
OK.
I'm not usually late ok! hahahaha... but today I was late by half an hour. Heh. Haha... Sorry lahrrr!
I couldn't decide what to wear!
Hehe.
>_<
bu yao sha wo!!!

hurhur.
went to KAPS at 8.30.
heh.
aloy was there with nico.
then we went to church.

matt was leading worship today.
dang good luh!
haha.
it was quite interesting. hurhur.
then we broke for classes.
dunno how come, but asher and nico came to our class.
asher ended up teaching us.
hurhur.
so funnay.
but it was quite boring. LOLS.

erm.
after classes, dani, aloy, matt and i went to serene centre for lunch.
don't ask why we went all the way to serene centre for macs. hurhur.
we are indecisive people.
hur.

after that, we went to tierneys, were dani went to get her ham.
ewww.
her raw ham.
hurhur.
cold and raw ham.
LOLS.

wahh... matt made us feel guilty luh.
he was all like...
"Ham how many calories ahh?'
hurhur.
so contradictory.
after he said that he was all like, 'just buy. eat.'
hurhur.
so crazy! LOLS.

i bought my yoghurt fruitella and my deliciour haribo!
yummm...
it's official, hurhur.
I love haribo!
haha.
when i grow up, i'm gonna marry haribo.
hurhur.
joking luh!
hurh.

trying not to think about how much sugar I'm taking.
haha.
mann. i'm gonna be diabetic already luh.
hurhur.

Mmhmm.
anyways, back to topic. hur.
Then after going to Tierneys, we went to Island Creamery.
Hur.
Didn't buy anything luh.
Oh my friggin' gosh, I can't wait for tomorrow luh!
hahaha... My allowance!!!
hurhur.

Dani says I'm crazy, cause of how much I get per week. But it's not that bad what...
hurhur.
~~$250 only.~~ i shall strike this out for fear of being murdered by ppl.
Hur.

It's like how little luh!
Hurhur.

Then we left.
Hurh.
Matt sent me home.
Haha.
In the car, we all sang songs out loud luh.
Hurhur.
Whoa...
OK.
3 people in a car.
Singing out loud to radio.
Wahhh...
Thank God we sound good luh!
Hahaha...
Yeps.
Wheeness.
No school tomorrow.

Aw dang!
Science and Home EC exam on Tuesday.
ahh... waddaheck luh!
I don't care.
Haha.
I shall sit down and study my arse off tomorrow.
Haha... Today I shall still slack a little.
LOLs...
wheeness...
Okies.
I am high.
O_O
bad hurh!

haha... okie!

I shall leave now.
hurhur.

OOOOOOooooooooooooohhhhhhhHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I am HIGH on haribo!
hurhurhurhurhur!!!
I am QUEEN of the WORLD!
Wahahaha...
LOLS.
ok.
nvm.
wahahaha...
ignore my randomness.
hurhur.

... So sick...

2006-04-30T01:26:00.000-07:00

Mmmm mmm yeah
Do do do do do do do-do
Ohh Yeah

Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cuz right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cuz you walked right out the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore
(it's ridiculous)
It's been months
And for some reason I just
(can't get over us)
And I'm stronger than this
(enough is enough)
No more walkin round
With my head down
I'm so over being blue
Cryin over you

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

Gotta fix that calendar I have
That's marked July the 5th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be

That's the reason I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone
(Stupid love songs)
Dont make me think about his smile
~~Or having my first child~~
I'm letting go
Turning off the radio
Cuz I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing he was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)

Said I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing he was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishin' you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
Why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
Why can't I turn off the radio?

... I'll lock up my heart...

2006-04-29T05:21:00.000-07:00

Today was channel one.

Only 3 girls showed up. The rest were boys.

Joe, spoke about P.O.W.E.R:
P - Peace
O - Obedience
W - Worship
E - Evangelism
R - Reading the word of God.

Quite interesting.
Yeps.

Alson and his girlfriend dragged me into their quarrel again. I completely blew up and told them to solve their own problems and that they had no right to drag me into it.

Yeps.

today was... an uneventful day.
I just wanna curl up and sleep...

Sleep, interestingly, is the best reprieve for a shattered soul.

... Sunshine...

2006-04-28T08:19:00.000-07:00

You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.
You make me happy,
when skies are grey...

read 4 sentences. haha.
you get the picture. (:

... If you're happy and you know it clap your hands...

2006-04-26T04:31:00.000-07:00

Wahahaha...

yayness.
Had lunch with Aloy today. It was *coughcoughcough*interesting*cough*

Haha!!!

I'm not allowed to divulge what Aloy did to his lunch. Wahaha... But it was friggin' funny! LOLS...

Haha. okok...
he is gonna slaughter me soon! haha... xD

... You were the last good thing about this part of town now...

2006-04-25T06:02:00.000-07:00

Whee...

It has been decided that Aloy and I love our luncheroos.
Haha... Normal sane people love their better halves, and Aloy and I are no different.

'Cept our better halves are our LUNCHEROOS! Haha...
And even better is our dinneroos! LOLS... (x

Wheee...
Good lunchies tomorrow! Haha... Aloy ish treating sushi!!! Yayness!
Haha...

I love my bestii loads and loads! And good lunchies tomorrow too! (:

... Skies are so blue...

2006-04-25T05:03:00.000-07:00

He made my day.

Haha...
With his never faltering smile and his ever ready jokes! Thanks!! You're really like my best best bestest male besti! Haha... (x

Woke up this morning and the sky was soooo blue.
Yayyness.

Aloy and I started going crazy and took pictures of the sky. Everyone thought we were crazy. T___T

haha. well! Great day today!
And aloy's treating luncheroo tomorrow! Yayness!
Haha... (x

... It was for me, so lonely and so temperamental...

2006-04-23T06:54:00.000-07:00

Today was an interesting day...
Not much to say...
Haha...

Yeah, this week's been a totally hectic week.
Seems as though yesterday was just Channel 1, and suddenly today's already Sunday night.

I seem to live for church gatherings. Probably cause my time in the OC now is very limited.

I'll miss all the churchies. The younglings and the oldlings. Haha...
Gonna spend whatever time I have left here in church. Cause that is truly where my home is.

Yeps...

:D

i <3 the name 3/7*n

... with all to say...

2006-04-22T05:39:00.000-07:00

Hmm...
Today was quite... erm... *coughcough*interesting.
Haha...

Nothing to do today. No one was free. So in the end, went to watch a really... weird movie with Mic at Jurong East. Haha...

It's called Dark Water. It's damn weird larhx. Haha... Yet also very freaky. In a typical asian horror movie fashion. It just serves to make you scream.
Haha... It's 3 short movies packed into 1 film. LOLS.
ALL TO DO WITH WATER! Haha...

Don't watch it unless there's absolutely nothing else to watch. LOLS.

... And I never know where I stand...

2006-04-21T20:30:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. Drained and emotionally handicapped at the moment.
I wouldn't call this love exactly.

It's not love. Love is eternal. Loving someone means that you'll love him forever. And I'll never stop loving naed which is why I won't say that I love anyone anymore.

This is just a crush...

Yeah...
Elton

... and it's me against the world...

2006-04-19T04:20:00.000-07:00

Met him again. 2nd time in 3 days.

He still makes me laugh with his silly antics. He still makes me smile with his heartwarming smile.

Makes me wonder, who he is...

He's like an angel sent to me when I needed to laugh the most, when my life was being torn asunder...
He is the light that's lighting my path right now... Thank God for people like him. The sort of people who would smile and bring smiles to the faces of others.

We are strangers in a land we call home, yet who is this stranger that brings smiles to others?

Who is this stranger?

... Shuddup, shuddup, shuddup!...

2006-04-18T03:36:00.000-07:00

I HATE YOU!

... Of someone else's life...

2006-04-17T04:40:00.000-07:00

Hrmph!

Haha... Went to Pastamania at Cine for lunch with Shu today. Quite fun. Whee... Student prices are good! Haha...
Then we ran in the rain to Somerset MRT.

Met Pho and Gela at the traffic light.

Went to MRT station with Elaine. She met with her friends, Wilson and some other guy.

Shu asked for Wilson's number, used my name. So Elaine gave it. Then we both sms'd him.

AND THEN!!! Pho and Gela called me on the phone and called me a despo. Hello?!
What did I do?!
Whatever.

I don't care.

It's like I don't have feelings at all larhx.

I don't cry or anything when I hear hurtful stuff like that?! Who be you to call me a despo?! It's not like I asked for it you know...
It's not like you've never done it before...

And hey, it's not my fault if I think he's cute right?!
whatever.
i don't care anymore.

i'm just disapointed that i've got such great friends. that's all...

... When will you learn to be a little, helpful?...

2006-04-16T04:40:00.000-07:00

Whee...
Today's easter sunday. haha

Woke up at 6am to go for sunrise service. Quite cool actually. Little candles, coloured stones... The make. Haha...
Then went to Brekko at Holland V for lunch with some OC members. Haha. Soooo fun! haha... :)

Then I went to Timo's church. Whoa...
His church is like... How cool?! Haha... Play, songs, even the pastor was super enthu! Haha...
Aloy and I are gonna go for communion sunday at his church! Haha... :)

It's quite fun. Sermon was powerful too. :)

Than we went to watch a movie.
Timo, Daryl and me. Daryl treated me! :)

Haha... went to watch Ice Age 2.
So lame. Not as good as the first one. Haha... Or maybe I've just grown up?

Haha... ANYWAYS!
Yayyness. Thanks Daryl for treating me! :)
Whee...

Hahahaha... Daryl was acting like a little boy today.
So cute. Haha... :)

ok. Timo is so mean!
haha... as usual. LOLS
xD

... We used to listen to the radio and sing along to every song we know...

2006-04-14T05:54:00.000-07:00

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

I miss that town
I miss the faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it
I miss it now
I can't believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it

If I could I relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
Everytime I do it makes me...

... All that I did was walk over, start off by shaking your hands...

2006-04-13T16:21:00.000-07:00

Went to Cine yesterday with Pho and Shu.

Haha... We went to watch "The Art of Seduction".
Dang funny. The guy, was SUPER cute... Haha... And and and... T___T
I just found out, that dean used all those moves on me... T__T... not exactly identical moved larhx, but that guy there so reminded me of that deanbo. except that guy in the movie was H-O-T!

Whereas Dean is well...
erm...
nevermind.

haha... (:

... I could've sworn that I have seen your face before...

2006-04-12T04:50:00.000-07:00

Whee!!!

Today, went to Paragon with Shu and Steph, met up with Aloy. Got a new phone and plan! (:

haha. thanks thanks thanks for helping me apply Aloy!!! haha...

Yayy... Motorola L6. Woots. I love me new phone. Though I still like my old one more. haha. :( So sad. I lost it... :'(

(cries)

haha. ah wells... Yayy... New number. if you ppl wanna know what it is, catch me on MSN yeahh?!

haha... well... okay. that's all. (:

oh boo... tomorrow is swim heats. yuck! :(

... You'll never be a James Dean...

2006-04-11T04:23:00.000-07:00

Stop pretending to be someone you're not!

I can cry out from frustration just by the amount of belief the teachers have in me. They tell me that I have the potential to excel, they tell me that I'm more matured than most of my peers... They tell me so many things, yet... I'm too lost and bewildered to understand anymore.

So what?! Does it matter if I "have the potential to excel"?! Does it matter if I'm "more matured than your peers", does it matter at all?!

So what if I understand people?! So what if I understand things and am smart?! I just don't know what I want to do. Can you please just understand that?!

Urgh!!!

Next Tuesday~ Squash B'div. finals! Against SCGS again...

Hope the seniors win as well! :)

... If you're happy and you know it clap your hands...

2006-04-10T03:37:00.000-07:00

[clap clap]

To see all the people around you falling to pieces and yet be so unable to do anything about their lives, anything to help them, is so disappointing and annoying.

If I had a wish, if I could make a single wish, I'd wish that we were all able to smile and laugh like we used to be able to in kindergarten again. Because those were truly the best times of our lives, where we were all just the best of friends and we were all just uber happy and satisfied in life.

The wishes we used to make, the way we were gullible enough to believe that we would be able to count the stars, the way we tried.

Those memories, so far and so distant now, still brings smiles back to my face. I realise now though that even though I miss being that age, nothing we do nor say can ever turn back time again. Life goes on no matter what, no matter how much we may reminiscize about anything at all. Even if we were to talk about our pasts, the simple fact is that we'd never go back to being carefree or anything anymore.

We've all in some way, changed and matured and developed. And we've all left each other behind. Yet... Every now and then, beautiful memories float to mind, and I'm always reminded of this one song... This one childish, stupid yet altogether endearing song...

If you're happy and you know it
Clap your hands!
(clap clap)
If you're happy and you know it
Stomp your feet!
(Stopm stomp)
If you're happy and you know it
And you really wanna show it
If you're happy and you know it
Clap your hands!
(clap clap)

... Of a childlike faith...

2006-04-10T03:30:00.000-07:00

Today's squash competition!!!

At Kallang Squash complex thingumy, MGS versus SCGS...

MGSquashies WON!!!

YESH!!! ahaha... (:

Bernice and Melody were the best players there!!! (x

Yes! Uh huh! We won! MGS beat SCGS!!!
ahaha... (x

UH HUH!

haha... (:

Hmm... nothing much to blog about today... LOLS. MG BEAT SC!

uh huh! (:

(happy)

... I'm not a girl, not yet a woman...

2006-04-09T04:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it feels as though everything I've ever treasured in life is slipping away from my grasp.

I'm tired, alone, unsure, afraid and what not.

I don't want to move to shanghai, I don't want to leave behind my friends, the memories of my 'childhood home', One Comm...

There are so many things here that I don't want to leave behind, and so little that beckons me to Shanghai.

I want to stay here, in Singapore, because I'm comfortable as I am here, yet I also know that... This isn't how it's supposed to be, and that I'd just have to trust in God and know that he has something there in plan for me.

During bible study last friday, we were asked what we thought our purpose in life for, given that serving God is already taken into account. I wasn't sure. I guess... My purpose in life is to be myself, encourage the people around me, and to influence the lives of those who are in need of anything.

On friday, my form teacher too pulled me aside, and she spoke to me about many things. And she told me a verse in particular, which really stuck. "The Lord says to shower with love, especially on these people; the widows and the fatherless"...

In a way, I am very much an orphan, yet I look back and I examine my life and I realise just how blessed I really am. God has given me so much more than what my peers have, I too have gone through more than what many of my peers have, and in turn have gained my insight and wisdom.

We grow from our mistakes, we grow from our hurt and our pain.

But maybe some of us, are just born with talents we've never fully knew existed before. I've been through alot for a girl of 14. And in truth, many of the people around me wonder if I really am just 14. Sometimes, I too wonder if there is something within me that beats stronger than just 14 years.

Am I pampered? Yes.
Am I blessed? Extremely.

God has given me more than he has given anybody. And for that, I'm truly grateful. I guess it's just time that I start believing and trusting in what he has in planned for me, for He has given me so much, what have I offered to him? What have I given back in return?

... Who am I?
That the Lord of all the Earth,
Would care to know my name?
Would care to bear my pain...

... This is the story of a girl named Lucky...

2006-04-09T02:37:00.000-07:00

Well... No, this is the story of a girl named Charlotte. And that girl, would be me.

your's truly. the one, the only, the completely ego, Charlotte Then.

This blog shall track the progress of my life, day-to-day living and shallow thoughts and mindless daydreams.

In other words, just a shallow view of my everyday lifestyle.

Beauty in simplicity itself.